As One Devil to Another: A Fiendish Correspondence in the Tradition of C. S. Lewis' the Screwtape Letters
by Richard Platt
My dear Scardagger,
According to the report just handed me from Temptation University, you are quite the fiend—or rather, one day, under the lash and spur of my ceaseless vigilance, you will be. It is a great joy to be handed such an accomplished pupil to fashion and mould in my own flawlessly accomplished Image and Likeness. And high time, too!
My Elder Brother wanted you for himself. I can hardly blame him. As this year’s Commencement Speaker and Guest of Honour at the Tempt U graduation ceremony, he was entitled to certain privileges, but the Board of Governors did not deem that match appropriate. Having seen your Dreaded Uncle devour with such becoming gusto the choicest cuts of your incompetent little cousin, as his final shrieks resonated against the walls of the banquet hall (always an effective light ceremonial touch to remind you youngsters of the wages of failing the cause of Hell), the Board thought that pairing you with the same Mentor might prove a distraction to you both. This decision did not sit well with him. Your Uncle’s satanic selfishness and complete lack of mercy have always been an inspiration to me, but as my brother he might have relinquished you to me with better grace, especially after receiving the Golden Thorns Award. That should be enough to slake the thirst for recognition in any Devil, at least for a time.
Certainly he has served His Infernal Majesty’s battle against the Adversary’s earthly siege with glorious distinction. I have learned more of the Black and Subtle Art of Temptation at his side than anywhere else. It is through his ceaseless efforts, and those of countless other highly accomplished Devils, such as myself, that the Earth remains in our hands. Our utter defiance of the Adversary and our steadfast refusal even to consider His ridiculous gibberish about Redemption and Grace will, I trust, be an inspiration to you.
I have noticed that your diabolical Chancellor, Dr. Glitchtwist, has been sending me superb material since his recent stay in our Institute of Reeducation. There is nothing like a little holiday to clarify one’s vision and renew one’s drive and sense of purpose. You no doubt found among your cousin’s effects the profusely illustrated booklet of the delights that await one in The Schoolhouse, as we all affectionately call it, as reward for substandard performance. The Staff do so enjoy their work. You need have no fear of their company—at least, not yet—provided you follow explicitly the instructions of your betters.
You have no idea of the stress and aggravation your Dreaded Uncle and I have endured at the hands of incompetent tempters. He, at least, was modestly compensated for the pang of sharpened famine he endured as the result of the loss of your cousin’s final client. The erstwhile tempter made a lovely meal at your graduation ceremony, did he not? Even though you were Class Valedictorian, you should have remembered that, as the Guest of Honour, your Uncle was entitled to the choicest cuts. I quite understand that the bite you administered to his person in the heat of the festivities was unintended, merely the result of the exhilaration of the moment and youthful high spirits, though as your new Mentor I would advise you to act with greater forethought in the future. Your enthusiasm is less pleasing than you might think. It was only the laughter of the Chancellor that saved you from the consequences of your folly. Patience, my boy, patience. I understand this is a quality invented by the Adversary; but like much of what He has created, it can be twisted to our purposes.
Do not blame me if your appetite exceeded your deserts and caused Infernal Security to make you cough up that last delicious morsel. It will no doubt be a consolation to you to hear that the bit of your little cousin you had to relinquish was all the sweeter to your Dreaded Uncle for its gelatinous state and the dark fire of your disappointment which accompanied it as it passed his lips. You enjoyed your portion of the refreshments, did you? They met your expectations? Now you have at last tasted the reward for all our labours, of which you, as a youngster, had only heard. You have seen for yourself that Hell affords pleasures the Adversary cannot offer. There is no music to compare to the final wretched screams of a failed soul. I am glad that we had the opportunity to share this delightful meal together and consequently understand one another.
Your marks are quite impressive. Well done, my boy! I speak not merely as the newly appointed Departmental Head for Young Tempter Development, but as your Uncle,
and, of course, your Friend. Temptation University has not produced such a promising graduate since myself: First Class Honours in the Casting of Doubt, the Inflammation
of Vanity, the Erosion of Values, the Destruction of Conscience, the Dissolution of Goodwill, the Inculcation of Egocentricity (though you will admit that this is an easy task nowadays), and the Formation of Spiritual Pride. This last, as you well know, is the subtlest and most refined of all our Arts. You will have learned from your textbooks that it is a specialty of mine. Oh, we shall have great fun swapping stories one day!
I see you received only Honourable Mention for the Chancellor’s Essay Prize. Perhaps having chosen a topic as easy as the Augmentation of Lust did not work in your favour. If, however, your disappointing performance is due to your lack of skill in this area, no matter. There is no need to worry. Perhaps you weren’t paying much attention during the tedious films they forced you to sit through. I can hardly blame you. There is so little challenge for us here in the modern world. The momentum of the current fashion is entirely in our favour. I see also that you received only passing marks for turning yourself into an Angel of Light on the parade ground, but don’t concern yourself with that, either. Despite the perpetual abrasion of living in a fallen world and aeons of evidence to the contrary, very few of the humans actually believe in us, or in anything their spiritual blindness prevents them from seeing, though any tool you can bring to the task will be useful in some way. We’ll work on that. You can trust me to look after you.
In my next, I shall review First Principles, after which we will begin to discuss the delicate task of acquiring the soul of your first client for His Infernal Majesty.
With Warm Regards from your
Loving Uncle and Mentor,